Updated: Dec 16, 2022
Easier said than done, right. I was talking to a great friend of mine and his words to me were "you have to relax". I looked at him in a state of confusion and uttered the words "dude, do you see all the stuff I have going on". His response was "how much of that really involves you. How much of it can you control". His response upset me and gut-punched me into reality at the same time. I had so much that I was carrying in my bag that I did not put there. I allowed others to put it there and take up space in my head for no reason. Well to be honest there was a reason. I felt like I could handle it because "I AM RESILIENT". Well being RESILIENT to my issues and being RESOURCEFUL to others was completely different.
While thinking too much, I discovered things about myself that I needed to fix immediately. For starters, I lacked focus. Yes, I know people see my brand and the influential work that I do and they think, wow, she has it all together. Ummmmm, no I do not. I have business all together because that is where I shift my focus. Personally, I could use a few prayers here and there. I constantly have racing thoughts that shift my successes to the "what ifs" of failure. I think about failing more than I celebrate succeeding. This doesn't just apply to business. I think about failing a second marriage, failing at being a mom, failing at friendships/relationships, failing at business deals and decisions, failing at healthy living, failing at launching-starting or stopping projects. You name it and its in my head. I struggle with figuring out what's real and who's real. Nothing is as it seems anymore so it's a daily battle trying to decipher who and what to stand on. Truth is masked as hate. Real women are considered boring. Life just lifes now and it is hard at times to figure out if you are winning or losing because fake wins are celebrated more than real ones. But then I ask myself, is this a real win?
Aside from that, my physical ailments began to take a toll on me and the sense of feeling anxious and nervous was setting a record high. In October, I received news after my mammogram that a further test was needed for my right breast. I sat in agony for 31 days in hopes that I did not have Breast Cancer. Seeing people healed from it, believing in God and having faith, and watching a full month of celebration did not cleanse my mind of fear- it heighten it. I suffered from insomnia and only thought of my family should my diagnosis return positive. I overate and gained weight that interfered with other components of my health. My friend's voice returned to me "stop overanalyzing everything. You will be fine". He was right.
I returned to my weekly therapy sessions. Side bar - therapist are wonderful. Do not be afraid or ashamed to get one, have one, or keep one. I started working out and exercising. I changed my diet and daily habits. I learned the word "NO" and established boundaries for myself and others. When I returned for my ultrasound and second mammogram, I received an "ALL CLEAR". Thank you forever Lord. I also received my labs from my physician and I was PERFECT. No medications needed from him or my therapist which was a goal for me. I wanted to be prescription free.
I learned during those 31 days that I had to focus on the good. I had to distract myself. I had to understand that being in control of everything is overrated. I had to eliminate fear. I had to consistently seek wise counsel, professional counsel, and spiritual counsel. I had to journal more and speak less I learned to talked to my friends more- YES!! and actually listen. Mostly importantly, I learned to trust my amazing tribe of RESILIENTones. Seeing their stories, reading their emails and inboxes, hearing how impactful and influential my transparency was in helping them find their way - helped me find mine.
I am grateful that in all my thinking.... I no longer THINK TOO MUCH!